Monday, February 7, 2011

If Thou Endure it Well

I wasn't going to post today. These past couple weeks have been a whirlwind of emotions & feelings & tears-some of them I'm not too proud of. Going from being so happy that this last year of hell was finally coming to an end & being able to finally walk again to having my leg shatter within hours of that moment was way too much for my small selfish mind to handle. It has been really hard to not just break down entirely & give up. It has been hard for me to understand why this has happened, & it has been very hard to not feel completely alone. I still don't know why, I still am hurt, & I still feel abandoned at times--not only by friends & family, but even God. I feel guilty for thinking that, let alone writing it, but I think, or at least I hope, that sometimes it's OK to feel that way.

A few months before my accident I was able to go to Liberty Jail. It was such an emotional experience being in the same place Joseph was when he felt some of the same things I do right now. His pain must have been so much greater, after all the good he had done to then be made a prisoner while all of the saints, his family & friends, were being tortured, raped, & murdered. But, even he, a worthy Prophet of God, was so hurt & pained he cried out with total despair, "Oh, God, where art Thou?...How long shall thy hand be stayed?" A painful feeling that has tagged onto my heart these past few days.

There is a song from the musical, 'Prophet' about Joseph's life that has been a huge comfort for me since highschool. I listened to it for the first time in a while today, & it again poured in a peace that I have long been without. I am not perfect- not even close. Sometimes I feel grateful for this accident. Sometimes I cry for hours wishing I had my old life back. Sometimes I feel so sad & alone & other times I feel God crying right along with me. I don't have all the answers, & I still am devastated over all that has occured. But, for this moment I am comforted & I suppose that's how anyone get's through trials in life--moment by moment. And that it why I love the Lord's response to Joseph's prayer; "My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment...and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."

"Though thine afflictions seem at times too great to bear, I know thine every thought & every care. And though the very jaws of Hell gape after thee...I am with thee. Know my child, My kindness shall not depart from thee."

And with that message, I have a few hours of comfort.


  1. Em, you never cease to amaze me. I'm sorry that you feel so alone and I wish I could make things better for you. I won't even pretend I know what you are going through, but I hope that I can help alleviate some of your physical and emotional pain. Love you!

  2. wow, emily, pure inspiration. i am (and we all are) so lucky to have such a wonderful amazing person like you as a friend. i love you to pieces and was so happy i was able to be there for you that weekend. i wish i could have done more :) love love love you and i will just keep praying that you get some seriously sweet blessings coming your way!

  3. this post hurts my heart. loved holland. loved the song. LOVE YOU. next time we hang out, it will be way more epic...promise.

  4. I was really glad to see you but wish it had been under different circumstances. I'm amazed by your strength, and will share whatever of mine you need. You have no reason to beat yourself up; you're handling the hand you've been dealt with the dignity and grace of a queen; but then, you are of royal blood. Call if you need me. Bishop Padgett